Thursday, September 16, 2010

Mercy... mercy... me....

In the weeks and months to follow What felt to be, the collapse of my internal and external worlds simultaneously, I reached a stage of mercy. Still uncomfortable with such self love I walk through the hours of each day with conflicting thoughts on accepting what is.  In fact making peace with it.

While in the midst of mourning, I am also watching my goat mourn, the loss of her lifetime partner.  She has no ambition to leave her little goat house, or forage for food or even be with the other animals. She just sleeps. I watch as day after day rolls by and her lackluster existence deteriorates to physical atrophy. There is an empathy I feel because I know the will to breathe is even diminished in the wake of such loss.
Finally concerned for her well being (and mine) I decided to tame her a bit. She was always Willy's goat, not mine. I never asked her to accept me or any of my ways. Now it seems I may be the only game in town. I slipped a collar on her and began giving leading lessons to a ten year old goat!
Soon I saw she would venture out in the pasture with the horses after our sessions. I felt that somehow it sparked a broader outlook. Perhaps there is life after death? She would return just a few minutes later, lay down and sleep again. But... this was progress.
Then a day came when I found myself with no job that day. Also, with it came the first heavy rain of the season. All I wanted to do was sleep. I began berating myself for "laziness!" "You must get something done, make use of this down time." Then I realized my goat was kinder to herself than I was to myself. She had a mercy to her mourning which I was lacking. It took some deep self talk but I finally yielded the day to rest. What a concept....? mercy in the face of mourning. Could this be one of the blessings left in the wake of tragedy?

1 comment:

  1. Aah yes, the feelings of guilt at oneself for idleness...they run deep my friend. I struggle with this as well. It takes some ability to show kindness to ourselves, I guess you could call it mercy, a squashing of the guilt and allowing ourselves to rest and heal. Maybe we should relax into the art of humans "being" - instead of humans "doing". Take the time that it takes.